Making Amends

I’m not perfect. Nobody is. Everyone makes mistakes. The thing about life is that hopefully we learn from the mistakes we’ve made. People have always said that I can be confrontational, short-tempered and cold even. I accept these things because it’s true. It’s not something I’m proud of, but something I believe that could be an advantage more than anything else. I’m not your typical sweet girl either. Growing up, I always had to fight for what I wanted – regardless of with whom. Yes, I fought with my parents too. But it got me some of the more important things in life that has benefited me more than hindered me – my Diploma and Degree of choice, my own career choice, and my husband.

I’ve also been labeled as strong, a fighter and rude. Again, I accept. People have always said that sometimes I don’t know where to draw the line. Or sometimes I should let things go. But no. I always felt that if I didn’t step up for what I want, people would step all over me. Especially being the youngest, it was a tough time having to fight everyday just to be heard and to be taken seriously.

I believe that I started to seriously become ‘hard’ toward the end of my teens. Being thrown in a foreign country to sort things out for yourself is something that really opens your eyes. I had not felt more alone in my life than during that first year in Melbourne. Yes, my brother was around. But not mentally or emotionally supportive because looking back now, he was probably going through his own inner demons at the time. I don’t blame him nor do I blame my parents or anyone else for feeling the way that I did.

I’ve told very few people about this but I believe that the time is right for me to tell you now. During the first year in Melbourne, when I felt the most alone I ever did my whole life…was also the same time I experienced racism. People spat at me, called me ‘trash’ and ‘pig’ and told me to ‘go home’. I didn’t feel safe, but I didn’t tell anyone because I didn’t want my parents in KL to worry. So I chose to ignore and continue, all the time praying that I wouldn’t get hurt. One day, I was walking towards the train station when there was this mat salleh carrying a guitar. One look at me and he began cursing. “You filthy chink. You piece of trash. Go back home…” I tried to ignore it, but inside I was terrified. He kept going as I queued to buy a ticket. Everyone else ignored him. It was when he was about to hit me with his guitar that I turned and ran.

After that, I stopped going to classes. I was terrified to leave home. Yet, I never told anyone. Until a lecturer who was quite fond of me (her name was Olga), noticed that I’d missed class for the last two weeks (four of her classes) and called. I broke down and told her everything. She convinced me to see the counselor, who then convinced me to go to the doctor. I was diagnosed with depression. Severe depression. And this was the reason why I failed everything in my first semester. Papa wasn’t happy. Especially since I never told him why I failed.

I decided to make a change the day I was prescribed with medication – a tablet that would trick my mind and make me ‘happy’. And I decided from that day on it was to always fight back. I continued fighting for everything after that. Because it felt worth it. The fight that got me my Diploma, and later on the degree of my choice (including the fact that I chose to major in Literature and Philosophy), the first job of my choice, the first car of my choice, and eventually, the husband of my choice. Fighting felt worth it because it always got me what I wanted and what I felt I needed.

So why am I telling you all of this now? Because I realised I’m done fighting. A few nights ago, I had a scare. I was getting contractions and I was afraid that something might go wrong with our baby. Lying on the hospital bed and listening to my baby’s heartbeat made me decide something. I want to make amends. I want to tie up whatever loose ends or hanging issues with each of you before I embark on the next step of my life – as a mother.

My doctor has told me that because I have suffered from depression in the past, it’s possible that if I don’t take care of myself mentally, I would suffer again from severe post partum depression after birth. In the next four weeks, I need to clear things up so I can mentally, emotionally and physically prepare myself for my baby, and the start of our own family.

Ijah

I’m sorry if I crossed the line and said things that I shouldn’t have or didn’t even mean. And I’m sorry that it came to this. Maybe I do mencarut too much, or don’t do enough as I should as a daughter/daughter-in-law/sister/sister-in-law, and maybe I do focus on things that don’t need to be focused on. Whatever it is, I hope we can find a solution to move on from this because I don’t want my child to be on bad terms with his Mak Ngah. And I don’t want my husband to be on bad terms with his sister. I’m staying out of things and will do whatever I have to do to make sure that there isn’t a repeat of this in the future. There are certain family ties in your and my families where it seems to be broken over something so minor, or over a misunderstanding, and I don’t want history to repeat itself in our generation.

Mak Ngah

Thank you for all the support you’ve given me and Eddie. Even though I wish we could spend more time to get to know each other more. I know my behavior hasn’t been too good in the last week, but I hope things will improve from here.

Mama

We have had a very rocky relationship. We have had many ups and downs and there were times I remember that even Papa had to get involved because he was so afraid that we might cross the line with what we said to each other. We’re more alike than I wanted to admit – we’re both very emotional, we both know what we want, we both find a way to get it and we’re both very outspoken. Maybe that’s why we’re both the “number one enemy” to you know who. Now that I am pregnant, I’m beginning to understand why there were certain times you did certain things for/to/at me. Maybe when my child is born and InsyAllah grows bigger, it’ll just mean that there are more things that I will learn to understand as a mother, as well as the reasons why you encouraged or restricted me with certain things. I’m glad that things are better now, and I thank you for always having been supportive of me and Eddie. I hope you see now what I see in him.

Kakak

If Mama and I had a rocky relationship, I think we’ve had an even rockier relationship. Maybe it’s the age difference, maybe we’re too different, or maybe we’re too alike. Whatever it is…I take everything as a lesson – from the times I remember you used to tease me when I was a little kid, to the times where you were there for me for the major milestones in my life – moving to Melbourne, getting engaged, getting married and now, having my own baby. I used to wonder why you were always so over protective over the three rascals, but now I know why. Yes, maybe my baby hasn’t been born yet, but I already have this over protective need to make sure my baby is not hurt – physically, mentally and emotionally – by anyone. And it feels like an instinct to do whatever I can to protect him. I’m glad things worked out the way it did, cause I just realized baby Z is gonna be your ‘first’ nephew. By the way…what do you want him to call you? ;)

My darling

You’re my rock. Enough said :)