Cabin Fever

Cabin fever is an idiomatic term for a claustrophobic reaction that takes place when a person or group is isolated and/or shut in a small space, with nothing to do, for an extended period (as in a simple country vacation cottage during a long rain or snow). Symptoms include restlessness, irritability, irrational frustration with everyday objects, forgetfulness, laughter, excessive sleeping, distrust of anyone they are with, and an urge to go outside even in the rain, snow or dark.
Source: Wikipedia

It's been 16 days since I'd given birth. And about 14 days being cooped up at home since coming home from the hospital. Since coming home from the hospital, I'd only gone out twice, and both times were trips to the hospital. In the last two days, I feel like I've been going out of my mind.

Every day is the same - wake up, feed baby, bathe baby, feed baby and put him to sleep, sit in salt, shower, wear bengkung, get dressed, have breakfast, watch TV, feed baby, burp baby, put him to sleep, watch TV, feed baby, burp baby, put him to sleep, watch TV, feed baby, burp baby, bathe baby, change him into pyjamas, put him to sleep, wash up for bed...

I've always been active - before and even during pregnancy. I'm always doing something. On weekdays after work, I cook, do laundry, iron, or whatever household work or project I have going on. On weekends, I spend one day running errands or going out and Sundays are when I clean the house - toilets, kitchen, bedrooms. I'm so used to always being on the move or always doing something that now that I'm restricted to doing nothing, I feel TRAPPED.

I love spending time with my baby. It's those hours when he's asleep that I end up doing nothing but watching TV and going online that's driving me nuts. I want to clean the kitchen, the bathrooms, do the laundry and iron. But I've been forbidden because I need to 'rest'.

I always thought I'd be okay with just lying around and doing nothing for 44 days, but I feel like I'm a useless, worthless piece of nothing who's unmotivated and inefficient. I never knew how difficult going through the same cycle day in and day out would be.

Eddie doesn't understand cabin fever or what it means. So seeing me sit at the balcony for an hour and just brushing my hair to him means that I'm going crazy. Or that he did something wrong to me and I'm upset with him. I don't know how to explain to him how I feel because he cannot function unless I'm acting 'normal'. But I don't have the energy to act 'normal'.

ARGH!!!! 

Confinement - Day 12

While I was pregnant, I heard so many different versions of what 'pantang' is like for women. Some told me that it was something well worth doing, following every tradition to the last tee. Some told me they only lasted two weeks. And some said, "pantang? What pantang?"

I decided that I want to follow pantang as much as I can and to whatever level I could manage. But I only really followed it properly on the second day back from the hospital. But I still needed help from Eddie or my nieces or whoever was around as I was still in so much pain and even standing felt like a chore.

Body Care

On that third day, after we'd bathe, clothed and put Zafry to sleep, it was my turn to start the process of what was to become my morning routine. Eddie would prepare for me my 'salt spa' where I would sit for 15 minutes. The salt is believed to help speed the process of healing my wounds. During those 15 minutes, Eddie would boil the rempah2 consisting of flowers and leaves and I'm not sure what else and take his shower while it's on the boil. Just as I'm about to finish with my spa, he would come and bring me a large pail with the boiled herbal water which I would have to mix with tap water to bathe. The first week, I had no energy to stand and I couldn't move as freely as I'd liked. So Eddie would shower me with the herbal mix.

Once I've got my underwear on, Eddie would lightly massage the Ibu Halimah lotion which is believed to help reduce fat and cellulite while also releasing trapped wind. He would then help me with my bengkung, pulling and tying as tight as he could pull and as much as I could manage.

Now that I've entered the second week, I feel a lot stronger now. I can bathe myself, get dressed and put the bengkung on myself - although Eddie still sometimes insist on massaging the Ibu Halimah lotion on me.I also wash my hair everyday, but with the normal shower water. Hygiene is definitely something you have to take care of when you're recovering after birth. I think it's important to not just feel clean, but to know that you are clean. This avoids any sort of illness or infection. Because believe me, that's the last thing you want when you're recovering.

Food

I put on a total of 16kg when I was pregnant, about 4kg over the average amount of weight you should put on during your pregnancy. When I reached home from the hospital, one of the first things I did the next day was weigh myself, and discovered...I only lost 2 kg!

I took a vow there and then that I had to diet and be strict with what I ate since I was in no condition to exercise yet. This is what a normal day of food would be like for me:

Breakfast = Milo + milk, fruits and bread.
Lunch = Water, biscuits and fruit
Tea = Juice and biscuits
Dinner = Rice, veggies and fried chicken or fish OR kuey teow/bihun soup

It might seem like I'm not eating much, but I'm eating only what I need to give me enough energy for the baby and to keep my breast milk going. In fact, I already have PLENTY of breast milk...enough for twins I think! I also try to drink a lot of water...but not so much that I need to keep running to the bathroom, because just having to pee involves moving up my bengkung and cleaning and changing pads and this and that....When you can barely sit or walk, having to pee is just something you want to limit as much as possible.

Rest

It is so so important for you to have someone around who's there to help you with your needs and with your baby's needs. In my case, I'm lucky I have Eddie. He doesn't allow me to do anything when he's around. He wants me to just sit or lie down for as long as possible. He prepares my shower, does the laundry, cooks for me before he goes to work, makes sure everything is nearby when he's about to leave so I don't have to get up and get anything, and even changes the baby's diapers and bottle feeds him in the evenings after work to give me a break.

Because I've rested the whole day, I would make sure that when the baby cries in the middle of the night, I would get up and get the baby before Eddie wakes up so he can rest. But there are times when he would hear me talking to the baby and would just rub my back or prop a pillow against me while I'm feeding. Trust me, it's these little things that makes you feel a lot better. If your husband did nothing and just slept, that's probably when you feel like killing him.

Coming into the second week, I can do a lot more by myself now. And I can help a bit more around the house. I help by washing a few dishes, or helping wash the clothes (but Eddie still dries and folds), or just cleaning up so the house looks a bit in order. I can also walk around a bit more and sit more then lie down. I can even manage to stay online a bit longer then just the one hour last week - and even then I needed a two hour nap to recover!

My Conclusion?

It's been a very tiring two weeks, but it seems like time is flying by already! Although there's not much I can really do now and I don't feel a hundred percent yet, I'm savouring every moment I can with my little family. Everyday is a new day. We discover something new or cute about our baby, or even each other and it's something that will just bring us closer together.

Showering and getting dressed every morning may be a chore, but I just keep in mind that it's something that will heal my body and bring its shape back - if not form a better one! And wearing the bengkung was difficult the first few days. It was difficult to walk, sit or go to the bathroom, but as of today, I'm proud to say that my belly is only days away from being 'un-flabby' :)

It's difficult being cooped up at home all day and every day, but once you set what you think it'll turn out after 60 days, it's well worth it.

Thank You

It's the little things that he does that makes me appreciate and love him more. Like rubbing my back at 4am when I'm feeding our baby who refuses to sleep, or covering my legs with the blanket when I just don't have any energy left to do it. It may seem like these are the things that are "expected" of a husband. But really...how many husbands can you tell me will be the husband/father/housewife/chef/caretaker/maintenance/midwife/massuere? There were times before this when I used to get frustrated with him, silently wondering if he'll be of any help. But when the time came, he's done more then I expected him too. And I try to never forget to say "thank you".

Thank you for waking up with me when our baby cries.
Thank you for taking our baby from me when all I needed was just 15 more minutes.
Thank you for sitting next to me when I almost fell asleep feeding our baby.
Thank you for rubbing my back and neck when our baby just didn't want to sleep.
Thank you for preparing my salt spa and herbal shower every morning.
Thank you for showering me when I didn't even have the energy to stand.
Thank you for dressing me when I was shivering and couldn't bend over.
Thank you for washing the clothes.
Thank you for cooking for me.
Thank you for washing up.
Thank you for making my milk or milo or getting me warm water.
Thank you for  putting my socks on.
Thank you for helping me with the bengkung.
Thank you for folding and arranging the clothes I can wear during my confinement.
Thank you for washing, folding and keeping our baby's clothes.
Thank you for sweeping and keeping the house clean so I don't lose my mind :)
Thank you for coming to check on me whenever I'm getting dressed.
Thank you for massaging and rubbing the minyak Ibu Halimah on me :)
Thank you for taking care of the baby for as long as you can without him crying out for milk when I'm napping - those few extra minutes really count.
Thank you for being supportive.
Thank you for enduring watching House, Charmed, Glee and Desperate Housewives with me :)
Thank you for everything I haven't managed to thank you for.

Thank you.

The Birth

Sunday, 10 July 2011 @ 2.30pm
A sudden wave of cramps come over my huge belly. I was sitting alone in the front living room of my parents house reading the newspaper. Eddie and Mama were outside in the garden doing something to some tree or rather. I say quietly an let the pain pass.

Monday, 11 July 2011


4am
I struggle to get out of bed. I have the urge to pee. As I'm standing up as I'm done washing, gooey mucus and a slight trace of blood comes out. Because I was half asleep, I washed up and went back to bed - only to wake up every half hour after that because of the pain I kept feeling on my belly. 

6.30am
I sat up and stayed that way a while. The cramps were coming on and off every half hour and I just realised that the gooey mucus and blood could have actually been my mucus plug breaking. I went to take a shower and said to Eddie that I wanted to go to the hospital to get checked out. He started panicking. I had to remain calm to keep him calm.

8.20am
We reached the hospital. My doctor's clinic only opened at 9am and we had a RM50 voucher at Dome which would expire in a few days and which we were hoping to use before I give birth. So we thought why not have breakfast? I still kept getting cramps about every 20 to 30 minutes or so, but nothing to really worry about.

9am
Reaching my doctor's clinic, Kak Ina (her assistant) looked at my face and immediately said, "Bleeding ke?" I nodded. Then she asked if I was having contractions. I said yes. She sent me to pee, which is when I noticed there was still blood. Kak Ina said if I was in too much pain, she'll send me straight to the labour ward. But I told her I wanted to wait for my doctor.

9.20am
Dr Woo walks in. I love her casual confidence. Always makes me feel safe and at ease. There were two patients before me. As I waited, I kept imagining what she would say. Would she tell me I'm halfway there and that I need to be admitted? Or would she tell me that I was imagining things and I still have a long way to go?

9.40am
Dr Woo checks my cervix. What she said, "his head is very low, but you're still not open yet. I think it should be happening tonight. It usually happens at night." I ask her if there's anything I could do to speed up the process. She replies, "Walking helps. So take a nice long walk."

10.30am
Ikea. We decided what better place to take our time walking around in hopes for my cervix to open? We walked around about a good hour and a half. And every 20 minutes, I had to stop cause my belly was contracting. I could still feel him moving and kicking, so at least I knew he was ok.

1.30pm
I asked Eddie to take me to Jaya Jusco because I wanted to have sushi "one last time before birth." Wish was granted and I sat and enjoyed my sushi, all the while still contracting.

3.45pm
We reached home. Eddie kept himself busy by cleaning the house. I decided to take a shower. People always tell me that if I could manage, take a shower and wash your hair when you're in labour because you won't be able to till a day or two after.

7pm
My contractions were about ten minutes apart now, and were much more painful. Eddie was still busy cleaning the house. So I decided to set up the crib and changing table, arranging all of the baby's items. By 7.15pm, I was done and could no longer take the pain. I took a writing pad, pen, my mobile phone and laid down...writing down the time each time I had a contraction. Like clockwork, every ten minutes my tummy was contracting. Eddie kept saying we should go to the hospital. I told him I was ok and I could handle it. 

9pm
Eddie cooked us dinner - nasi goreng kampung and telur goreng. As we sat and ate, I continued to record my contractions as it continued to come and go every ten minutes.

9.22pm
I was just about to put in another spoonful of rice into my mouth when I felt a sudden rush of water between my legs. I shrieked and jumped up, saying "Oh my God! Oh my God! My water just broke!" Eddie jumped up, and started running around the house saying, "what should I do? what should I do?" I told him to go shower and change while I went to clean up.

9.40pm
We reached the hospital. Eddie ran in ahead of me with my hospital bag to get a wheelchair. All the nurses and security guard ignored him. He found one and ran out to me. He wheeled me to the emergency room, got a nurses' attention and off we went to the labour ward.

10.20pm
The midwife told me I was dilated 5cm - halfway! Eddie and I were surprised. But there was still 5 more cm to go, which means it could be a long night. She also asked me what kind of pain suppresant I wanted - gas, injection or epidural. I told her none. And if it got too painful, I'd only go for gas. She was proud of me. Just made me feel stronger :) Mama and Papa arrived shortly after that. I told them they didn't have to come. But they just sat there and insisted on staying.

11.15pm
The contractions were coming on and off every 4 minutes now. Eddie sat by my side the whole time, holding my hand and whispering prayers into my ear. He also kept track of the time. It kept getting more and more painful. This was when I burst out saying I wanted gas. Inhaling the gas made me feel a little better. But this was also the time the midwife wanted to check how many cm I was open. 9cm! It was almost time to push!

11.35pm
My doctor had been notified and the midwife was trying to pull up my cervix each time I had a contraction. I wanted to curse her everytime she did that, but it turns out she was only trying to make my delivery easier. She also told me to start pushing. I pushed and pushed with all my might, but it just felt like it was stuck.

11.50pm
My doctor had arrived just minutes before I was asking for the baby to be vaccuummed out, to which the reply was, "nah, you don't need that. Just push harder." Having Dr Woo there was a big help though. I felt the need to impress her with my pushing skills. So I did. I pushed and pushed and pushed and continued pushing.

Tuesday, 12 July 2011
12.15am
Suddenly I felt a relief. I heard crying and Eddie was crying and kissing me. I was only half aware of what was going on. Then suddenly...he was on my chest. My baby boy, who was crying and crying was on my chest. They took him away again and wrapped him up. They handed him to Eddie, who azan-ed him.

12.30am
Dr Woo was stitching me up and they had taken the baby away to the nursery. I asked the doctor whether she had to cut me to get the baby out. She said, no. I did it all by myself. Just had a small tear. That was when I looked up and noticed the TV was on. The next half an hour was a blur. I remember telling my parents his name, I remember Eddie going to pray, and I remember the nurses putting on disposable underwear with pads on me.

The feeling of giving birth was so surreal. Looking at the baby - our son - is one of the most amazing feelings in the world. So many thoughts and feelings rush through you at once that it feels like it isn't real. But it all feels so natural. It feels like it was meant to happen this way, with this person and in this moment. And it's a feeling I wouldn't trade with anything else in the world.

Checklist

Following my last period date, I'm 37 weeks into my pregnancy. When I went for my last check up a few days ago, my doctor told me that the baby is already 39 weeks into his development. And she casually said that the baby has descended into my birth canal and I should be giving birth in about ten days. This is exactly what she said to me after the scan = "This will be your last check up. All my first time mothers did me proud so you must too. The next time I see you I want you to be pushing." !!!!!!!!

Pregnancy, labour and delivery is something that's natural and normal to my doctor but it freaked me out that I would be due so soon! I had myself prepared for birth at the end of the month..not next week! After I told a few people, they all said the same thing = eat whatever you want to now because this is your last chance for the next few months.

This got me thinking - I need to start making a checklist. But not just for the food I want to eat, but also of what else has to be done and prepared before next week.

Food to eat:
 - Nasi lemak
- Sushi
- Wantan mee with wantan
- McDonalds
- Pizza
- Fries
- Pasta
- Cake
- Cookies
- Boost juice
- Anything and everything deep fried

So far...the only things I haven't had the chance to eat yet is wantan mee with wantan and pizza. So that means I can eat whatever I want...and double it! Hahahaha!

Preparation for the baby:
- Set up changing table by the crib
- Set up bin next to changing table to throw away used diapers
- Arrange baby toiletries and diapers
- Arrange baby clothing
- Clean the house - mop, vaccum
- Boil baby bottles and pacifier
- Set up the baby pram with pillows and blanket

Preparation for Mummy and Baba:
- Put the baby car seat in the car
- Put the hospital bag in the car
- Set up toiletries and set bersalin for after birth
- Set up steamer to cook pantang food
- Buy more socks
- Bring down more clothes for pantang

And the last and most important thing to do from now - prepare Eddie so he won't panic! :)

One Year Anniversary

The movie was crap. I fell asleep three times. But at least we got this as a souvenir :)

Our naughty breakfast.

Eddie hanging laundry before our date :)

Michelangelo's - where we met :)

My lunch - pesto

Eddie's lunch - pollo ala caciterole

Suka sangat buat mulut tu.

One year

A year ago, Papa gave me away and I became your wife.

A year ago, we celebrated our love with the people we love.

We spent our first Raya together as husband and wife with family :)

Since then, we've made a baby boy :)

And we're still waiting his arrival :)

Happy anniversary my cute bum bum darling. I love you :)

Siska :)

I met Siska about a year and a half ago...ish. I don't remember. Hahaha...but our history goes way back to when we were both schoolmates but didn't even know it! I was good friends with her sister in Primary, but lost touch when I changed schools in Form One. Her sister and I eventually found each other again through Facebook, I know...where else right? :)

Siska and I were brought together by a chance where we both thought it would excel our careers. Wrong. Instead, it excelled our friendship :)

I remember Siska was getting frustrated as she had just started trying again for her second baby but to no avail. I was getting married in a few months and I kept saying to her, "You're not going to get pregnant till I'm pregnant. Trust me, we'll get pregnant together. Just be patient." Of course, we always laughed this off and imagined what it would be like if it were actually true.

Three months into my marriage, Eddie and I decided to start trying and Siska had just started suspecting she was pregnant. Imagine our surprise when a month and a half later we both confirmed that we were pregnant. And that we were both due at the same time!!

From the day we'd suspected we were pregnant, we were constantly on the phone with each other, texting updates and helping each other through our joys and pains. Since this is her second pregnancy, there was definitely a lot of advice she gave me, which really helped me in preparation of what's to come. There were a lot of little things I would've overlooked otherwise. For example, packing a shawl in the hospital bag! :)

I just realised today that this is only the beginning of our journey. Not only are we sharing the pregnancy together, we have our babies whole lives ahead of us. Small and big milestones, birthdays, achievements, frustrations...wow. Masin betul my mulut. But so glad I know I've got someone there who is going through the exact same ups and downs with me through this beautiful experience :)

At 36 weeks - our tummies 'berlaga' when we were saying hello. Haha! ;)