Making Amends

I’m not perfect. Nobody is. Everyone makes mistakes. The thing about life is that hopefully we learn from the mistakes we’ve made. People have always said that I can be confrontational, short-tempered and cold even. I accept these things because it’s true. It’s not something I’m proud of, but something I believe that could be an advantage more than anything else. I’m not your typical sweet girl either. Growing up, I always had to fight for what I wanted – regardless of with whom. Yes, I fought with my parents too. But it got me some of the more important things in life that has benefited me more than hindered me – my Diploma and Degree of choice, my own career choice, and my husband.

I’ve also been labeled as strong, a fighter and rude. Again, I accept. People have always said that sometimes I don’t know where to draw the line. Or sometimes I should let things go. But no. I always felt that if I didn’t step up for what I want, people would step all over me. Especially being the youngest, it was a tough time having to fight everyday just to be heard and to be taken seriously.

I believe that I started to seriously become ‘hard’ toward the end of my teens. Being thrown in a foreign country to sort things out for yourself is something that really opens your eyes. I had not felt more alone in my life than during that first year in Melbourne. Yes, my brother was around. But not mentally or emotionally supportive because looking back now, he was probably going through his own inner demons at the time. I don’t blame him nor do I blame my parents or anyone else for feeling the way that I did.

I’ve told very few people about this but I believe that the time is right for me to tell you now. During the first year in Melbourne, when I felt the most alone I ever did my whole life…was also the same time I experienced racism. People spat at me, called me ‘trash’ and ‘pig’ and told me to ‘go home’. I didn’t feel safe, but I didn’t tell anyone because I didn’t want my parents in KL to worry. So I chose to ignore and continue, all the time praying that I wouldn’t get hurt. One day, I was walking towards the train station when there was this mat salleh carrying a guitar. One look at me and he began cursing. “You filthy chink. You piece of trash. Go back home…” I tried to ignore it, but inside I was terrified. He kept going as I queued to buy a ticket. Everyone else ignored him. It was when he was about to hit me with his guitar that I turned and ran.

After that, I stopped going to classes. I was terrified to leave home. Yet, I never told anyone. Until a lecturer who was quite fond of me (her name was Olga), noticed that I’d missed class for the last two weeks (four of her classes) and called. I broke down and told her everything. She convinced me to see the counselor, who then convinced me to go to the doctor. I was diagnosed with depression. Severe depression. And this was the reason why I failed everything in my first semester. Papa wasn’t happy. Especially since I never told him why I failed.

I decided to make a change the day I was prescribed with medication – a tablet that would trick my mind and make me ‘happy’. And I decided from that day on it was to always fight back. I continued fighting for everything after that. Because it felt worth it. The fight that got me my Diploma, and later on the degree of my choice (including the fact that I chose to major in Literature and Philosophy), the first job of my choice, the first car of my choice, and eventually, the husband of my choice. Fighting felt worth it because it always got me what I wanted and what I felt I needed.

So why am I telling you all of this now? Because I realised I’m done fighting. A few nights ago, I had a scare. I was getting contractions and I was afraid that something might go wrong with our baby. Lying on the hospital bed and listening to my baby’s heartbeat made me decide something. I want to make amends. I want to tie up whatever loose ends or hanging issues with each of you before I embark on the next step of my life – as a mother.

My doctor has told me that because I have suffered from depression in the past, it’s possible that if I don’t take care of myself mentally, I would suffer again from severe post partum depression after birth. In the next four weeks, I need to clear things up so I can mentally, emotionally and physically prepare myself for my baby, and the start of our own family.

Ijah

I’m sorry if I crossed the line and said things that I shouldn’t have or didn’t even mean. And I’m sorry that it came to this. Maybe I do mencarut too much, or don’t do enough as I should as a daughter/daughter-in-law/sister/sister-in-law, and maybe I do focus on things that don’t need to be focused on. Whatever it is, I hope we can find a solution to move on from this because I don’t want my child to be on bad terms with his Mak Ngah. And I don’t want my husband to be on bad terms with his sister. I’m staying out of things and will do whatever I have to do to make sure that there isn’t a repeat of this in the future. There are certain family ties in your and my families where it seems to be broken over something so minor, or over a misunderstanding, and I don’t want history to repeat itself in our generation.

Mak Ngah

Thank you for all the support you’ve given me and Eddie. Even though I wish we could spend more time to get to know each other more. I know my behavior hasn’t been too good in the last week, but I hope things will improve from here.

Mama

We have had a very rocky relationship. We have had many ups and downs and there were times I remember that even Papa had to get involved because he was so afraid that we might cross the line with what we said to each other. We’re more alike than I wanted to admit – we’re both very emotional, we both know what we want, we both find a way to get it and we’re both very outspoken. Maybe that’s why we’re both the “number one enemy” to you know who. Now that I am pregnant, I’m beginning to understand why there were certain times you did certain things for/to/at me. Maybe when my child is born and InsyAllah grows bigger, it’ll just mean that there are more things that I will learn to understand as a mother, as well as the reasons why you encouraged or restricted me with certain things. I’m glad that things are better now, and I thank you for always having been supportive of me and Eddie. I hope you see now what I see in him.

Kakak

If Mama and I had a rocky relationship, I think we’ve had an even rockier relationship. Maybe it’s the age difference, maybe we’re too different, or maybe we’re too alike. Whatever it is…I take everything as a lesson – from the times I remember you used to tease me when I was a little kid, to the times where you were there for me for the major milestones in my life – moving to Melbourne, getting engaged, getting married and now, having my own baby. I used to wonder why you were always so over protective over the three rascals, but now I know why. Yes, maybe my baby hasn’t been born yet, but I already have this over protective need to make sure my baby is not hurt – physically, mentally and emotionally – by anyone. And it feels like an instinct to do whatever I can to protect him. I’m glad things worked out the way it did, cause I just realized baby Z is gonna be your ‘first’ nephew. By the way…what do you want him to call you? ;)

My darling

You’re my rock. Enough said :)

A New Addition

We found out late last year that we were both due around the same time. About a week apart. It seemed surreal. Not only was I still digesting the news of my own pregnancy, but to find out that not only was she pregnant too, but three other friends were also pregnant and due around the same time...words cannot describe my thoughts of happiness and coincidence :)

Two nights ago I started experiencing Braxton Hicks, enough so to get a 2-day MC from the doctor who told me to rest it out. This also seemed to be a good time for me to start mentally preparing myself for when it's time. But I wasn't too worried because my hospital bag is packed and ready to go, the baby items have been washed and is ready to be used. Now, we're just waiting for the moment :)

I was cleaning up in the kitchen when Eddie got a phone call. Not long after, he called out to me and told me that she'd just delivered (!!!)  A mix of emotions overcame me. I was so happy to hear that she'd delivered and that she was ok, but it also sent reality hurling back to me - my time could be due any time soon!

When our baby is ready to be welcomed, we will do so with open arms and happy smiles. But until then, I just need to continue prepping Eddie...cause he still believes that we have a long way to go :)

Braxton Hicks

Braxton Hicks are named after the English doctor who first described them. In 1872, John Braxton Hicks investigated the later stages of pregnancy and noted that many women felt contractions without being near birth.^[2] This process was usually painless but caused women confusion as to whether or not they were going into actual labor. It has since been found that Braxton Hicks' contractions are much less noticeable during exercise, whereas real contractions are not.

It started last night when we were at Papa and Mama's house during a family gathering BBQ/father's day dinner. At first it just felt like a slight pull, which I ignored. But I started to feel a cramp on the left side of my tummy during desert. I thought I just had to much to eat and shrugged it off. On the way home, my tummy continued to cramp, and started to feel worse. A quick shower later, I laid on the couch and it eased a little bit. This was also when I started to prep Eddie on the possibility that if I really do go into labour, he has to be ready mentally. He started to freak out. Poor guy.


This morning, I couldn't even turn without the feeling of my tummy cramping. Plus my nose felt like it was about to be blocked and my head was beginning to hurt. I decided there and then to visit the doctor. At the doctor a few hours later, I told my regular doctor of the pain I was feeling since the night before. After a blood test, he explained why I was feeling the way I was and ordered me to rest for the next few days.

Reaching home after the doctor, I couldn't even make it up the stairs without Eddie having to hold up the right side of my body. Seeing that this is classified as "pre-labour", I guess my body is just giving me a warning of what's to come. Whatever it is, at least I've got my hospital bag ready to go. And we've pre-registered at the hospital. All I need to prepare now is the baby bucket car seat (which I told Eddie about but he refuses to take it out of the plastic because he still believes we're nowhere near that stage yet) and we're all set and ready to go!

About to have dinner and feeling great.

The after effects of Braxton Hicks = iron pill, charcoal pill and pain relief pill.

The Baby Shower

Baby showers are not something that are really heard or done of in Malaysia. It's a solely Western tradition, which I think is a brilliant idea. What better way for a first time mother who has no experience or no idea what to do or prepare then to get everyone shower the baby with love a.k.a. everyone buys a gift for the baby from a list the parents-to-be create?

When I found out I was pregnant, I knew immediately I wanted to have a baby shower. I also knew that I would have to find a way to explain what a baby shower is and that not everyone would be receptive to the idea. But I thought hey, let's just give it a try.

The baby shower was held on 11 June 2011 (110611) when I was at 34 weeks. I'd Facebooked the invitation to people with a list of items that I/the baby needed - which is essentially the choices they have to make for baby Z's gift. All the items were the smaller items that we needed since we'd already bought the bigger items - stroller, baby crib, car seat...

On the day of the shower, I was actually afraid that people might not come. Or if they did, they'd come empty handed. A few people had to cancel due to last minute events. I saw that as a sign and was secretly panicking. When the clock turned 3pm, I sat and smiled, but was secretly hoping for anyone to turn up. My parents and their friends were punctual. At about 3.20pm, they asked where my friends were. *panic, panic, panic* Not two minutes late, the first batch arrived :)

The baby shower actually turned out much better then I thought. Although I expected a few more people, I was still happy with all who turned up. And everyone brought more then I expected! Yay! It also turned out to be an impromptu belated birthday celebration :)

The only thing we forgot (and something I only realised at the end) was fruits! We prepared egg and tuna sandwiches, karipap, kuih murtabak, cocktail sausages and nuggets. Mama brought the homemade birthday cake and red velvet cupakes which everyone loved. At the end of the day, it turned out to be a successful event with us getting about 80% of what we asked for. Still so happy with how it turned out :)

The pressies!

Our shared belated birthday celebration :)

The homemade birthday cake made by Mama <3

Everyone's trying to get the baby to kick :)

Opening presents!

The door gift -decorated sugar cookies and candy.

Dear _______

Sy harap suatu hari nnt dia juga rasa seperti yg ayah rasa. Sayu hati saya setiap kali melihat air mata ayah bergenang dgn sikap abang. Saya tak doakan dia sakit.. tp sy nak dia rasa mcm mana hati seorang ayah bila anak buat mcm tu pada dia. Saya nak dia rasa mcm mana hati ayah rasa bila dia merajuk satu ketika dulu dgn ayah dan ambil keputusan untuk tidak balik kg n tanya kabar ayah untuk beberapa tahun.. sy nak dia rasa itu.Pasal xnk sambung belajar, pasal xnak stay kerja, pasal kawen..dan yg terbaru pasal ayah sakit..etc. Sy nak dia rasa semua yg ayah rasa.. sy tak nak Allah beri lebih dari apa yg dia buat sekarang terhadap ayah..tp cukup la setimpal dgn apa saja yg dia buat.. termasuk juga segala kebaikan yg dia buat. Sy nak dia rasa.. itu doa saya.

Dear _______,

There have been many times and quite a few people who told me to watch out for your mouth because you say what you think and sentiasa membebel. Even to people who are not involved. At first I thought ok, let's watch out. And after a while I just thought ok, she speaks her mind. There have been plenty of times where there are things you've said that made me feel that you've gone a little too far. But I kept quiet. Because hey, who am I?

A lot of things have changed in the last few months and I see that you have been resenting us more and more in those few months. Regarding Ayah's hospital fees, didn't Abang say that we can't afford to pay because we need to standby for the impending birth of our child? And if I'm not mistaken your response to him was, "kenapa tak bersalin kat hospital biasa?" First of all, I'm the one giving birth. Second of all, it is my choice and it is up to us where we want our child to be born. Are we meant to give up what we can just to make you happy and make you feel as though we've contributed?


Regarding hutang. First, apa kena mengena hutang kita dengan awak? Ada pernah sekali ke kita cakap yang kita tak nak bayar balik? Atau kita suka suka nak berhutang? Why is this suddenly your problem and suddenly your responsibility? Yes, we know...you are the good child. The one who is willing to sacrifice and give up everything to make sure that everything goes well in the family. Good job. Well done. Is that what you want to hear? Is that why you've been announcing to the whole world how tired and how alone you feel and how you have had to take over the responsibility of everything? Has the thought ever crossed your mind that other people have other commitments and we cannot simply drop everything in an instant? Or should we write in our blogs about what bad people/children we are and how lucky we are to have you around?

tp sy nak dia rasa mcm mana hati seorang ayah bila anak buat mcm tu pada dia. = this line is the reason that I'm writing this in my blog. This line is what made you cross the line with me. Before this, you wrote about ego or tak malu and hutang and what not but I always kept quiet. It was an issue you had with Abang and I kept my distance. But your doa that you want our child to sakitkan hati abang...that's crossing the line. Don't you dare bring my child into the picture. Don't you dare doakan benda tak bukan2 for my child who has not even been born yet. As an adult, shouldn't you doa that this cycle doesn't repeat? Or that since Abang is about to become a father that he would understand and mend his ways? But no...you chose the worst and ugliest thing you could doa for my child.

This is my doa for you. I doakan that one day you too will have a child of your own. And ni bukan dari niat jahat. I doa that you will be blessed with healthy, happy children who will fulfill your life and make you and your hubby proud to be their parents. And I doa that they will grow to be smart and successful human beings. Why do I doa all of this? Because this is what Abang and I doa for our child. When you are about to become a parent, you have this immediate instinct to have the best for your child. Good is not even enough. You also have a need to be protective over your child. So when I read those ugly, hurtful words, I knew it was time to speak up.

Why do I choose to do it here? Well, maybe it's the only way to get through to you since you felt that's the best way for you to get through to us. I know I'm no one in your family. I know you have a dislike for my background and probably don't even think I deserve what I have or that I've influenced Abang. I don't know. What I know is that I will not allow anyone to speak about my husband, my child and my family that way. No matter how hurt or upset a person is.

If you're unhappy with things, maybe you can try a different approach instead of having to announce it to the world. Maybe you can speak to Abang. And don't even say you've tried. Because what you do is wait till everyone is gathered and then menyalak macam anjing to him in front of everyone. You have humiliated him so many times and he has always kept quiet. You have broken his heart so many times and he has always pushed it aside. No, Abang is not perfect and his past may not be something he's proud of. But do you think announcing his private, personal problems to the world will make him solve things faster? Or make things better as a family? Have you ever thought of how what you say will affect other people? Are you proud and satisfied with what you've done?

What I need from you now is to stop announcing to the world private family matters that should remain private. When you feel angry and feel blogging is the only way to release your anger...write it down. But don't post it. Cause there are some things you say that you can never take back.

Don't bother worrying about our hutang. And stop making it your duty or responsibility. Like I said before, tak pernah skali pun sebelum ni we said we won't pay back. And it's not even your problem. Yes, he is your Ayah. But he's Abang's Ayah too. That problem is something that has nothing to do with you but everything to do between Ayah and Abang.

And stop with the hospital fees. We're grateful you initiated it and took care of it, but is there really a need to continuously drag the situation? Is it really difficult for you to understand our position? Do you realise that we're expecting our first child and we want it to be a happy experience? Or are you going to find a fault in that too?

I have had a beautiful pregnancy so far. And I am so close to holding our baby in my arms. You don't understand how long Abang has been waiting for this moment either. And we will not allow you to ruin it.

Don't expect me to be there for every family gathering anymore. And don't expect much from me. I'm not going to stop Abang from seeing or going to any of these gatherings. But I will not allow my child to be around people who are nothing but negative.